If your loved one has suffered with a terminal disease or with a disease which has caused a severe disability, your loved one has experienced serious losses in his or her life. As mentioned before in the previous post you as his or her caregiver have also suffered serious losses. You have most likely suffered the loss of a relationship as it once existed and the loss of time doing fun things together with your loved one. You have also suffered a loss of dreams for the future. As a caregiver you may have further lost the help of your ill loved one with duties around the house. Finally because of the expenses of caregiving you may have lost possessions and financial security.
In September of 2009 I wrote about the loss of my husband’s leadership in decision making due to his illness. I journaled the following words:
“I do weary of being responsible for so many decisions. When we bought a different vehicle this summer, I did all the talking and dealing. When there are telephone calls to be made or problems to be solved it is I who has to take charge. Soon we will have some major insurance issues to consider. That will be mainly my responsibility. We may have a chance to move from our apartment to a condo. There is a condo in our price range available, but all the things to think about in regard to such a possibility are a bit overwhelming.
I love the good times my husband and I still have together, but I miss the way things used to be. I miss the times when my husband took more responsibility for these type things and decisions. I miss the person my husband used to be.”
The losses and the stresses of caregiving can be overwhelming at times. Always remember, dear Christian Caregiver, that the Lord God is with you in the losses. His plans for your future are also good. He can turn the chaos and heartaches of caregiving into something beautiful in your character and in your future. Rest in Him.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Losses of Caregiving
In 2006 my husband, Wayne, was diagnosed with a rare neurological disease called Multiple Systems Atrophy type c. During the course of his disease he declined to the point that he was basically dependent on me and those who helped me for all his care. He suffered many losses during his disease. I also suffered many losses as his caregiver.
On January 2, 2011 about four and one half years after Wayne’s diagnosis my son and I found that Wayne had passed away during the night. Some time in February of 2011 I started attending some Christian grief/share sessions. One of the things our workbook mentioned in every lesson was that the loss of a loved one results in layers of lost. There is a lost of a relationship, of time, of dreams, help with duties around the house, and sometimes possessions.
If you are the caregiver of a loved one with a terminal disease you may have already begun to experience some of these losses, however. I definitely experienced many of these losses during my caregiving years. Dreams for the future are often lost when a loved one becomes terminally ill or contracts a disabilitating disease. Relationships also often change. I felt my relationship with Wayne in many ways changed from a husband wife relationship to a caregiver-care recipient relationship. My husband in years past had always been very handy around the house. I also felt that loss.
In April of 2009 I wrote about the experience of the loss of my husband’s companionship. I wrote the following:
“I went to a musical program with a friend last night. It was very enjoyable with lots of nice variety. There had been some frustrating moments at our house on Friday and Saturday, so it was so nice to get away with a friend. I also love music.
I enjoyed the program last night very much, but it did bring back memories of going to musical programs with my husband at this same building in the past. Now because of his disease my husband is too tired to go to many places, or he is too unmotivated. Sometimes the logistics are too difficult. Even though I enjoyed going with a friend, I do miss those days when my husband and I enjoyed doing those things together. Sometimes I go places like church alone too. There is a certain loneliness in that. It makes me feel a bit like a widow already especially when I see couples together seemingly happy and healthy. This is my path now, however, and there is a divine purpose in it all.”
Dear Christian Caregiver the losses can really hurt. I think the loss or change in a relationship that one once had with one’s love one is the most difficult. The Lord does want to be your constant friend and help through all this, dear Caregiver. The Lord God will never change, and He always will be with you. Lean on Him during those very difficult moments.
On January 2, 2011 about four and one half years after Wayne’s diagnosis my son and I found that Wayne had passed away during the night. Some time in February of 2011 I started attending some Christian grief/share sessions. One of the things our workbook mentioned in every lesson was that the loss of a loved one results in layers of lost. There is a lost of a relationship, of time, of dreams, help with duties around the house, and sometimes possessions.
If you are the caregiver of a loved one with a terminal disease you may have already begun to experience some of these losses, however. I definitely experienced many of these losses during my caregiving years. Dreams for the future are often lost when a loved one becomes terminally ill or contracts a disabilitating disease. Relationships also often change. I felt my relationship with Wayne in many ways changed from a husband wife relationship to a caregiver-care recipient relationship. My husband in years past had always been very handy around the house. I also felt that loss.
In April of 2009 I wrote about the experience of the loss of my husband’s companionship. I wrote the following:
“I went to a musical program with a friend last night. It was very enjoyable with lots of nice variety. There had been some frustrating moments at our house on Friday and Saturday, so it was so nice to get away with a friend. I also love music.
I enjoyed the program last night very much, but it did bring back memories of going to musical programs with my husband at this same building in the past. Now because of his disease my husband is too tired to go to many places, or he is too unmotivated. Sometimes the logistics are too difficult. Even though I enjoyed going with a friend, I do miss those days when my husband and I enjoyed doing those things together. Sometimes I go places like church alone too. There is a certain loneliness in that. It makes me feel a bit like a widow already especially when I see couples together seemingly happy and healthy. This is my path now, however, and there is a divine purpose in it all.”
Dear Christian Caregiver the losses can really hurt. I think the loss or change in a relationship that one once had with one’s love one is the most difficult. The Lord does want to be your constant friend and help through all this, dear Caregiver. The Lord God will never change, and He always will be with you. Lean on Him during those very difficult moments.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Peace
Caregiving not only involves the tasks of caring for one’s loved one, but there is also a lot of emotional turmoil which can accompany the caregiving process. I found this especially true in the later months of my husband’s illness. Transfers to the bathroom, bed, and car were becoming increasingly difficult; and I was finding myself fearfully anticipating each next transfer.
God wants us to do everything in dependence on Him. Caregiving began to teach me that self-sufficiency would not work. Apart from God we can do nothing of eternal value. God’s deepest desire for you, dear Christian caregiver, is that you depend on Him in every situation. There is no other way to travel through the challenges and sometimes grief of caregiving. Rely on the Lord constantly. Let Him fill you moment by moment with His strength. You do not have enough strength on your own, dear caregiver, but He will give you enough strength for the day.
As I look back on the days I was a caregiver for my husband, those days were very difficult days. My husband’s disease was a terrible disease which made him completely dependent on others at the end. Through it all as I look back, however, I can see how God provided step by step. I clung tightly to God during those days. Perhaps my emotional stress would have been lighter, however, if I would not have tried to anticipate the future. I needed to rely moment by moment on God alone.
The Lord wants to give you His peace in the midst of the chaos of caregiving, dear Christian caregiver. Take time each morning to sit quietly in His Presence through prayer and Bible reading. Then walk through the day constantly reminding yourself of His Presence. His peace which will come from doing this is a rare and beautiful treasure, and it can stand up under the struggles of the day. Wear God’s peace throughout the day.
He will refresh you when you are weary, dear caregiver. He will give you what you need when you feel as if you cannot go on in your caregiving duties one more moment. Also do not become discouraged when your emotions so overwhelm you that you do not feel this peace, dear Christian caregiver. God understands our weakness. On those days just turn once again back to the Lord.
God wants us to do everything in dependence on Him. Caregiving began to teach me that self-sufficiency would not work. Apart from God we can do nothing of eternal value. God’s deepest desire for you, dear Christian caregiver, is that you depend on Him in every situation. There is no other way to travel through the challenges and sometimes grief of caregiving. Rely on the Lord constantly. Let Him fill you moment by moment with His strength. You do not have enough strength on your own, dear caregiver, but He will give you enough strength for the day.
As I look back on the days I was a caregiver for my husband, those days were very difficult days. My husband’s disease was a terrible disease which made him completely dependent on others at the end. Through it all as I look back, however, I can see how God provided step by step. I clung tightly to God during those days. Perhaps my emotional stress would have been lighter, however, if I would not have tried to anticipate the future. I needed to rely moment by moment on God alone.
The Lord wants to give you His peace in the midst of the chaos of caregiving, dear Christian caregiver. Take time each morning to sit quietly in His Presence through prayer and Bible reading. Then walk through the day constantly reminding yourself of His Presence. His peace which will come from doing this is a rare and beautiful treasure, and it can stand up under the struggles of the day. Wear God’s peace throughout the day.
He will refresh you when you are weary, dear caregiver. He will give you what you need when you feel as if you cannot go on in your caregiving duties one more moment. Also do not become discouraged when your emotions so overwhelm you that you do not feel this peace, dear Christian caregiver. God understands our weakness. On those days just turn once again back to the Lord.
Monday, September 5, 2011
God's Sure Love
It is so difficult in our human minds to reconcile two truths. One truth is that God loves us. The other truth is that God allows us to face very difficult challenges and even suffering in this life. Sometimes the challenges and suffering we face tempts us to doubt God’s love for us.
Caregiving by definition is challenging at best. If a caregiver is put into the position of witnessing his or her loved one’s health continue to deteriorate step by step, that caregiver might also experience discouragement, grief, and a host of other negative emotions. Even though God’s ways are difficult to understand sometimes, one truth to which Christian caregivers can cling, however, is the truth of God’s overflowing and certain love for them.
God is the very definition of love. We tend to think that when life is easy and comfortable God must love us. Conversely, if things are difficult and challenging in our lives; we may be tempted to think God no longer cares for us. If we begin to see things from God’s perspective, however, we realize that suffering and challenges have purpose and meaning.
Christian caregivers knows that the emotional, spiritual, and physical challenges of caregiving are molding their characters. They know that somehow God is going to bring good out of the chaos, heartache, and overwhelming challenges of caregiving. They know that God is going to going to be with them each step of the way supporting them and sustaining them with His love and power.
Dear Christian caregiver. Rest in the truth of God’s love for you in the midst of all the negative emotions that caregiving can produce. Trust that He in His love will lead you through this difficult process. Trust that good will come out of all of the heartaches and challenges of caregiving. Just rest in trust in His love.
Caregiving by definition is challenging at best. If a caregiver is put into the position of witnessing his or her loved one’s health continue to deteriorate step by step, that caregiver might also experience discouragement, grief, and a host of other negative emotions. Even though God’s ways are difficult to understand sometimes, one truth to which Christian caregivers can cling, however, is the truth of God’s overflowing and certain love for them.
God is the very definition of love. We tend to think that when life is easy and comfortable God must love us. Conversely, if things are difficult and challenging in our lives; we may be tempted to think God no longer cares for us. If we begin to see things from God’s perspective, however, we realize that suffering and challenges have purpose and meaning.
Christian caregivers knows that the emotional, spiritual, and physical challenges of caregiving are molding their characters. They know that somehow God is going to bring good out of the chaos, heartache, and overwhelming challenges of caregiving. They know that God is going to going to be with them each step of the way supporting them and sustaining them with His love and power.
Dear Christian caregiver. Rest in the truth of God’s love for you in the midst of all the negative emotions that caregiving can produce. Trust that He in His love will lead you through this difficult process. Trust that good will come out of all of the heartaches and challenges of caregiving. Just rest in trust in His love.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Nevertheless
I happen to enjoy reading novels with an Amish setting and Amish characters. I also enjoy reading Christian historical novels. I think I like these kind of novels, because they portray a simpler way of life. In spite of this, however, the characters often have similar struggles and emotions; as we all do as human beings.
Recently I just completed a novel trilogy in which the main character, Hannah, undergoes a number of very difficult trials and struggles. In spite of all these difficulties she struggles through the bitterness and hurt, and she comes to the realization through her faith that there always is a “nevertheless” in every overwhelming and sad circumstance in her life. I thought that was such a wonderful concept that I made a picture with the word “nevertheless” on it. I then framed it, and put it on my kitchen counter.
How can I apply that word to my life? As my husband’s caregiver for four and one half years there were many emotional struggles, as I saw my husband’s health deteriorate step by step before my eyes. Also about a year after my husband was diagnosed with his disease I went through eight months of treatment for breast cancer. NEVERTHELESS I grew in character during this time. Sometimes during those difficult caregiving days and after my husband’s death on January 2, 2011 I have felt all alone. NEVERTHELESS the Lord has been with me through it all, and His presence in my life has become increasingly real to me in a new way. During the years I was a caregiver for my husband the Lord supplied love and help to me through others and through His presence, and He continues to do so today after my husband’s passing to Glory.
Nevertheless is such a powerful word. It is such a liberating word. Dear Christian caregiver, there is always a NEVERTHELESS phrase that can be added to every heartache and challenge you face as a caregiver and in life in general. How would you complete this sentence dear caregiver:
“Caregiving is often so discouraging and heartbreaking, NEVERTHELESS---"
Recently I just completed a novel trilogy in which the main character, Hannah, undergoes a number of very difficult trials and struggles. In spite of all these difficulties she struggles through the bitterness and hurt, and she comes to the realization through her faith that there always is a “nevertheless” in every overwhelming and sad circumstance in her life. I thought that was such a wonderful concept that I made a picture with the word “nevertheless” on it. I then framed it, and put it on my kitchen counter.
How can I apply that word to my life? As my husband’s caregiver for four and one half years there were many emotional struggles, as I saw my husband’s health deteriorate step by step before my eyes. Also about a year after my husband was diagnosed with his disease I went through eight months of treatment for breast cancer. NEVERTHELESS I grew in character during this time. Sometimes during those difficult caregiving days and after my husband’s death on January 2, 2011 I have felt all alone. NEVERTHELESS the Lord has been with me through it all, and His presence in my life has become increasingly real to me in a new way. During the years I was a caregiver for my husband the Lord supplied love and help to me through others and through His presence, and He continues to do so today after my husband’s passing to Glory.
Nevertheless is such a powerful word. It is such a liberating word. Dear Christian caregiver, there is always a NEVERTHELESS phrase that can be added to every heartache and challenge you face as a caregiver and in life in general. How would you complete this sentence dear caregiver:
“Caregiving is often so discouraging and heartbreaking, NEVERTHELESS---"
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Reality of God's Love for You
Seeing my husband gradually lose all his mobility and ability to care for himself due to his neurological disease was a very painful experience. During the course of my husband’s illness we did have a few opportunities for some memorable and enjoyable times, however. In spite of his lethargy at home my husband also seemed to enjoy these times.
In August of 2009 I wrote the following few paragraphs:
“Thursday through Sunday of last week my husband, Wayne, and I were at a motel in La Crosse, WI. My siblings and Mom from MN met us there. We were coming from the other end of WI, so it was a half-way meeting place for us. On Thursday afternoon and evening it was just Wayne and I, my Mom, and my two sisters. That was kind of nice as it provided some late night talk with my sisters and me.
Friday my bother and his wife and my two sisters’ husbands arrived. Among other things on Friday night after the others arrived we went out to eat, and then after supper they surprised me with a birthday cake and red roses for my birthday coming up on the following Monday. That was a wonderful surprise!
On Saturday we all went on a Mississippi River cruise. That was very nice, and it was wheelchair accessible. We even saw bald eagles on our cruise on the mighty Mississippi. The rest of our group went home around 5:30 on Sat. evening. Wayne and I went home the next morning. It was such a wonderful time being with my family. We did a lot of sharing and laughing. It was so good for both Wayne and me. It helps somewhat to forget about the problems for awhile and have some fun.
Wayne and I went to the local Pizza Ranch for my actual birthday on Monday. Also last night we went to my son’s family home for our usual Thursday night supper at their house. Two of my little granddaughters aged seven and five gave me a birthday present last night that they had picked out and bought with your own money from the dollar store. They were so excited to give them to me. They were pretty candles and book marks.
Our vacation and the birthdays surprises were a wonderful reprieve, but when one returns home reality sets in again with full force. There are so many issues with Wayne’s disease that make life a constant struggle. There are also blessings, however. Help me to concentrate on my blessings, Lord. Also grant me patience.”
Dear Caregiver, treasure the wonderful moments in the midst of the heartache and chaos of caregiving. Even after those treasured moments pass and you go back to the reality of the day to day of caregiving continue to look for the blessings. The realities of caregiving can be so harsh. There is another reality, however, dear Christian caregiver. That reality is the reality of God’s love for you.
In August of 2009 I wrote the following few paragraphs:
“Thursday through Sunday of last week my husband, Wayne, and I were at a motel in La Crosse, WI. My siblings and Mom from MN met us there. We were coming from the other end of WI, so it was a half-way meeting place for us. On Thursday afternoon and evening it was just Wayne and I, my Mom, and my two sisters. That was kind of nice as it provided some late night talk with my sisters and me.
Friday my bother and his wife and my two sisters’ husbands arrived. Among other things on Friday night after the others arrived we went out to eat, and then after supper they surprised me with a birthday cake and red roses for my birthday coming up on the following Monday. That was a wonderful surprise!
On Saturday we all went on a Mississippi River cruise. That was very nice, and it was wheelchair accessible. We even saw bald eagles on our cruise on the mighty Mississippi. The rest of our group went home around 5:30 on Sat. evening. Wayne and I went home the next morning. It was such a wonderful time being with my family. We did a lot of sharing and laughing. It was so good for both Wayne and me. It helps somewhat to forget about the problems for awhile and have some fun.
Wayne and I went to the local Pizza Ranch for my actual birthday on Monday. Also last night we went to my son’s family home for our usual Thursday night supper at their house. Two of my little granddaughters aged seven and five gave me a birthday present last night that they had picked out and bought with your own money from the dollar store. They were so excited to give them to me. They were pretty candles and book marks.
Our vacation and the birthdays surprises were a wonderful reprieve, but when one returns home reality sets in again with full force. There are so many issues with Wayne’s disease that make life a constant struggle. There are also blessings, however. Help me to concentrate on my blessings, Lord. Also grant me patience.”
Dear Caregiver, treasure the wonderful moments in the midst of the heartache and chaos of caregiving. Even after those treasured moments pass and you go back to the reality of the day to day of caregiving continue to look for the blessings. The realities of caregiving can be so harsh. There is another reality, however, dear Christian caregiver. That reality is the reality of God’s love for you.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Caregiving and Forgiveness?
One might ask oneself, “What connection is there between forgiveness and caregiving?" Forgiveness and struggling to forgive is always a part of any grief process or sense of loss in one’s life. Furthermore, there is a grief process that accompanies caregivng . This is especially true for those who are caregivers of someone with a long term and incurable illness. I know as I witnessed my husband’s health continue to decline step by step, I definitely went through a grief process.
Because Christ forgave us, we need to forgive others. Whom then might we need to forgive in the grief process that often accompanies caregiving? First of all, we need to accept God’s forgiveness of ourselves. As a caregiver although devoted to my husband and my marriage vows, I was less than perfect. I often felt impatient. I know there were times that I said and did things which showed this impatience and which was not up to God’s standard of love.
To not accept God’s forgiveness for these things would be a slap in the face of God, however. The obscure book of Micah in the Old Testament of the Bible tells us that God pardons and forgives our sins. In fact, He delights to show us His mercy; and He smashes our sins underfoot and throws those sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:18-19) I also tended to put false guilt on myself at times for things that were out of my control. These too needed to be turned over to the Lord. I suspect this is true of most every caregiver at one time or another.
Secondly, we need to forgive others. Unless others are caregivers themselves they can not begin understand the heartaches and challenges of a caregiver. Hence, they may say trite and hurtful things. Also the people which one may think would be most likely to step up and help are often not there to assist.
It is okay and even necessary for a caregiver to ask people for help. How else are they going to know what one’s needs are? Some people will disappoint, however. Either they can not empathize, because they have not gone through the same caregiving experience, or they have issues and responsibilities of their own, or they do not feel emotionally equipped to get into the process of helping. As a caregiver, however, one has to let go and forgive. We are commanded to forgive, and a lack of forgiveness will only add to the emotional struggles which sometimes accompany caregiving.
Thirdly, it is also necessary at times for a caregiver to forgive one’s loved one for whom one is caring. No human being is perfect, and the caregiver’s loved one will not always show the love and gratitude to the caregiver that he or she might expect. As a caregiver I remember thinking that it would be nice to be thanked occasionally for all that I did for my husband. I do know my husband loved me, however, and we have to forgive and overlook these things. We need to forgive these things, because Christ has forgiven us. We also need to overlook these things for our own emotional health.
Finally, we need to be very careful that we do not blame God for our loved one’s ill health and for the trials of caregiving. We will never understand all the “whys,” but our best course of action is to trust our Lord God and to run to our Lord for strength and comfort.
Because Christ forgave us, we need to forgive others. Whom then might we need to forgive in the grief process that often accompanies caregiving? First of all, we need to accept God’s forgiveness of ourselves. As a caregiver although devoted to my husband and my marriage vows, I was less than perfect. I often felt impatient. I know there were times that I said and did things which showed this impatience and which was not up to God’s standard of love.
To not accept God’s forgiveness for these things would be a slap in the face of God, however. The obscure book of Micah in the Old Testament of the Bible tells us that God pardons and forgives our sins. In fact, He delights to show us His mercy; and He smashes our sins underfoot and throws those sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:18-19) I also tended to put false guilt on myself at times for things that were out of my control. These too needed to be turned over to the Lord. I suspect this is true of most every caregiver at one time or another.
Secondly, we need to forgive others. Unless others are caregivers themselves they can not begin understand the heartaches and challenges of a caregiver. Hence, they may say trite and hurtful things. Also the people which one may think would be most likely to step up and help are often not there to assist.
It is okay and even necessary for a caregiver to ask people for help. How else are they going to know what one’s needs are? Some people will disappoint, however. Either they can not empathize, because they have not gone through the same caregiving experience, or they have issues and responsibilities of their own, or they do not feel emotionally equipped to get into the process of helping. As a caregiver, however, one has to let go and forgive. We are commanded to forgive, and a lack of forgiveness will only add to the emotional struggles which sometimes accompany caregiving.
Thirdly, it is also necessary at times for a caregiver to forgive one’s loved one for whom one is caring. No human being is perfect, and the caregiver’s loved one will not always show the love and gratitude to the caregiver that he or she might expect. As a caregiver I remember thinking that it would be nice to be thanked occasionally for all that I did for my husband. I do know my husband loved me, however, and we have to forgive and overlook these things. We need to forgive these things, because Christ has forgiven us. We also need to overlook these things for our own emotional health.
Finally, we need to be very careful that we do not blame God for our loved one’s ill health and for the trials of caregiving. We will never understand all the “whys,” but our best course of action is to trust our Lord God and to run to our Lord for strength and comfort.
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