Fiery Arrows

As a caregiver do you ever feel as if you are being bombarded by the “fiery arrows” of negative emotions? (Ephesians 6:16) Negative emotions can so easily spring up in the midst of caregiving chaos and heartache.

On June 9, 2009 while caring for my husband, Wayne, I wrote the following words:
“Sunday in church was just what I needed for encouragement this week. It is so easy to allow myself to get bogged down with discouragement, impatience, and sometimes anger. I realize I need to fight those “fiery arrows.” There is still so much for which to be thankful. I need to concentrate on that.”

Then on June 23, 2009 I journaled the following words:
“Wed. night I was able to go to my first in a series of 7 weeks of Bible study with a group of woman. The series is called Walking by Faith Lessons Learned in the Dark. These lessons so apply to my situation. The future is unknown and feels scary for Wayne and I, but I do know the Lord who holds the future. I need to focus on that and on the fact that I know my Lord will always be with me.”

So how does a caregiver fight the “fiery arrows” of negative emotions? One way I think one can do this is my remembering the good things that still are present in one’s life. Caregiving can be physically, emotionally, and spiritually draining. There always are blessings in one’s life, however. We need to look for them and be grateful for them. We also need to look for the wonders of God’s working and guidance in our lives. If we look for these things we will find them. If we look for these things it will also help to soothe the negative emotions.

Caring for someone with a terminal or serious disease can be frightening at times. This is because the future is so uncertain. Hence, fear and other negative emotions can quickly surface. It is wise to take it one day at a time and one step at a time. It is also wise to leave the future in the hands of the Lord. Caregivers tend to be great advocates for their loved ones. In the end, however, caregivers need to remember that they are not in control. God alone holds their futures and the futures of their loved ones. In the measure caregivers can rest in the Lord’s care the negative emotions will be soothed.

As a caregiver for my husband I found that fighting the “fiery arrows” of negative emotions was a constant struggle. If it were not for my faith I would have not been able to persevere. My faith and knowing that God was in control made all the difference. The promises of God’s Word that He would always be with me soothed my fears and other negative emotions. Finally the weapon of prayer and looking for God’s working in my life was a big help in fighting those “fiery arrows.“

Dear Christian Caregiver, remember that emotions negative or otherwise are just feelings. Feelings are not necessarily based on truth. Only God’s Word and resting on your faith in God is the source of truth. Look for the blessings in your life, and rest in His truth.

(I will be gone on vacation next week Lord willing.  I will try to publish my next post on or around July 9.  Have a blessed Independence Day!)

　　
　
　
　

Words of Affirmation

Family caregiving demands huge sacrifices emotionally, spiritually, and physically from the caregiver. At the same time it is not often affirmed and recognized by society. Sometimes even the caregiver’s loved ones do not affirm or acknowledge the love sacrifices which are being made for them. They sometimes can not or do not do this, because they themselves are so overwhelmed with their disease. In the spring of 2009 in the midst of my husband’s neurological disease I wrote the following words:

“The other day I took one of those Facebook quizzes. I am never big on these quizzes, because they appear to be a bit of a hoax. The quiz I took this time, however, seemed to match my reality pretty closely. The name of the quiz was “What is Your Love Language?” It said my love language was words of affirmation.

Before my husband’s illness he would tell me I was beautiful, and he would often call me ‘his favorite wife.’ It became a standing source of teasing between us, because my reply would always be, ‘How many wives do you have?’ My husband was always good about giving loving cards on special occasions also. So much of that verbal affirmation is gone now. My husband’s speech is so poor that basic communication between us is difficult. I miss also the basic bouncing of ideas between us.

Yesterday at my husband’s suggestion we went out to eat. He so seldom wants to go anywhere let along suggest it, so I readily agreed. It was very windy, however, and so we took the wheelchair. By the time I had wrestled the wheelchair in and out of the trunk of the car, gone through the buffet line for my husband and then for myself, and then basically carried on a conversation with myself during lunch; I began to wonder if it was worth it. As I said, I miss the verbal exchange.

A day or so ago I read a devotional in my caregiving devotional book about the importance of God’s affirmation of His love for and delight in His children. Knowing this is a source of comfort to me more than knowing what I do in my caregiving role has a purpose and meaning. I need to feel affirmed as me not as my role as a caregiver.  Just this morning I received a card from a younger woman in our church. In this card were some affirming and encouraging words to me. That was just what I needed to hear today.”

Dear Christian caregiver, the world may not recognize what you do. Your loved one for whom you care may not always be able to recognize and acknowledge what you do. God, however, does see what you do for your loved one. You are doing noble work, dear caregiver. God also delights in you and loves you just as you are! (Check out Zephaniah 3:17 in the Old Testament of the Bible!)
　

Conflicting Emotions and Blessings

I journaled the following words in early June of 2010 about seven months before my husband’s death:

“My heart is filled with so many conflicting emotions tonight. I still feel burdened by the fact that I know we have taken another step backwards in my husband’s disease. Just the fact that I have to help him every time he goes to the bathroom so we don’t endanger him of falling and that I am now helping him into bed means we are taking another step backwards.

It also means I have to get up in the middle of the night, if he has to use the bathroom. It means more fatigue for me. It further means I can’t leave him for as long of time during the daytime. This is discouraging to me. I so tire of the adjustments to new changes and seeking new solutions. Sometimes I wonder how long it will be before I can no longer take care of him-Years? Months?

I also have so many blessings all around me, however. As I am writing this I can hear the twitter of birds outside my window. I am blessed each day by the perennials around our new home which have been coming out one at a time. Since I don’t know the names of a lot of the flowers, it has been a joy seeing new beautiful flowers popping out. It is like little gifts from God assuring me of His love. He also assures me in the Bible that He will always be with me.

I was blessed the other day with my sister-in-law taking my husband out for a drive and giving me some alone time at home. I was blessed today in church. I am blessed with the fact that we will be getting some in-home therapy for my husband scheduled to start tomorrow.

Lord, help me just to trust, just to rest, just to release. Help me not to worry so much about the ending of the story, for it ultimately will be good. Help me to enjoy and revel in the daily blessings even in the midst of hard times.”

Dear caregiver, the challenges of caregiving for a loved one can be so very emotionally, physically, and even spiritually challenging. The heartaches of the declines in their health over which you have no ultimate control is so discouraging. (The last few months of my husband’s life before his death his health deteriorated even further so that we had to use a lift to get him to the bathroom and into bed.)

Remember, however, dear caregiver, that the Lord is with you each step of the way. Also in the midst of the heartaches look for the wonders and blessings. They are always there, and it will help you get through the pain of the tough times.

　

　

A Helpful Caregiving DVD

A few months after my husband’s death I began volunteering at a place called “the Gathering Place” which is a social program for people with beginning to moderate Alzheimer’s disease. My husband had a neurological disease also, but it was of an entirely different nature than Alzheimer’s disease. My husband’s disease caused eventual total physical disability whereas Alzheimer’s disease leads to memory loss and dementia.

In spite of this fact, working at the Gathering Place has given me a connection with my past. It has been said that once one has been a caregiver he or she is always a caregiver. Perhaps that is true at least in my case.
　
In any event recently at one of our volunteer meetings before the participants arrived at the Gathering Place an excellent DV was mentioned called “The Senior Gems.” This is put out by a group called Senior Helpers. I ordered this DVD and watched it.

This DVD is a guide for family members in supporting their loved ones with Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. Teepa Snow, an expert on this subject, is the speaker. The DVD explores what the various part of our brain do, and the effects of them no longer functioning properly. She also talks about stages of dementia and the behaviors associated with these stages. Finally, she talks about techniques that make a difference when working with someone who has dementia. Through this all she says we need to think of people with dementia as gems which need a special environment.

Anyone who wants one of these can have ONE few complimentary DVD. It can be ordered at
http://www.seniorhelpers.com/SeniorGems  It is an excellent DVD. It can be easily listened to in one sitting, but also can be broken up into chapters. If you are a family caregiver who takes care of a loved one with dementia, perhaps you would like to order this DVD and watch it. I think you will find it very helpful. http://www.seniorhelpers.com/SeniorGems

Adjusting to New “Normals”

As I have mentioned several times in previous blog posts, my husband had a devastating neurological disease called Multiple Systems Atrophy type c. He was initially diagnosed with this in April of 2006, and a more definite diagnosis was given of this in the summer/fall of 2006 at Mayo Clinic.

For awhile my husband continued to work. In fact, he probably continued to work longer than was really safe. The declines continued to come, however. After quitting work he gradually went from a cane to a walker and finally to a wheel chair. I was looking over some of my journal posts in May of 2009 and May of 2010. In May of 2009 I was lamenting the fact that he needed to graduate to a wheelchair. In May of 2010 I was lamenting the fact that he needed to begin to have assistance getting into bed. Just a few months later I needed to use a lift to make transfers with him.

When my husband began needing assistance into bed at night I wrote the following: “We are adjusting to working together to get him in bed in the evening. That is not the most difficult part. The most difficult part is adjusting to a new “normal.” It is realizing that we are taking another step back.” It was also difficult having to prompt my husband each step of the way when making transfers. It seemed as if the brain was having a problem conveying the message to his body to take the next action.

Each step backwards was so difficult emotionally. Sometimes I felt emotionally at the end of my rope. I hated what the future likely held for my husband and I in regards to the progression of his disease. I hated the adjusting to new norms which were rapidly and constantly downward. Sometimes I feared what the future held. We were dealing with a terrible disease. When I was afraid or angry or discouraged, however, I tried to remember that the Lord held my future. I know I was guided step by step.

My husband entered his eternal home on January 2, 2011. He is free from his disease. I miss him so much, but I know who still holds my future. Dear Christian caregiver, trust that God holds the future of you and your loved one also. The way ahead may be difficult, but He will be with you step by step.

Simply an Instrument

This is going to be a bit of an unusual blog post today. Today a friend of mine who lives in another state is burying her husband. My friend’s husband had the same illness as my husband, Wayne. My husband passed away from this disease on January 2, 2011. The disease is a rare and devastating neurological disease called multiple systems atrophy.

My heart is hurting for my friend today. Will you please pray for her today and not only today but in the many days and months ahead? She is not only a friend whose husband had the same disease as my husband, but she also often came to this blog site for encouragement. Hence, she was a fellow caregiver with all of you other caregivers who come to this site.

If my friend is like me, she may go through a period of dwelling on the “if onlys.” If only I had been more patient, or if only I had you fill in the blank. She also may dwell on the “should haves.” It is easy to feel like you were not enough after the death of a loved one. This is especially true if you were his or her caregiver. My friend needs to reject these feelings, however, even though they are often a normal part of the grief process. These feelings are not based on truth.

Caregivers while they are still caregivers will also often tend to have these feelings. I know I did. Yes, if there is medical help available that can help your loved one; you need to pursue it. In the end, however, God is in control. He determines whether your loved one will get well again, or whether He takes them home to heaven.

As a caregiver you are less than perfect. You may experience moments of weakness and impatience. Know, however, dear Christian caregiver, that you are enough. You are enough because the Lord lives in you. You are simply an instrument in the hands of God in caring for your loved one. He is in control.
　
　

　
　　　
　
　　

Pruning

In recognition of Mother’s day I received two dozen roses of multiple colors from my son who lives in London. When we receive cut flowers we are told to cut an inch or so off the bottom of the stems and then put it in water with some plant food added. It is also a good idea to take off the outer petals.

The flowers I received were shipped to me from a city and state that is over 2,000 miles away from where I live. They were packed well, but when they arrived they were a little less than fresh looking. After being in water all night they looked better the next day. Sunday morning a lady in my church told me, however, to cut the stems off on the end once again and to also put fresh plant food in the vase. They look very beautiful now.

This process of cutting the stems off the ends of cut flowers has never logically made sense to me. Neither has it ever made sense to me to cut vines and other plants way back. Pruning of vines is an even more drastic cutting back process than just cutting off the ends of the stems of cut flowers. In fact, when completed the vine branch can appear to be dead. This pruning is a necessary and a good thing to do, however. In fact, because the branch is attached to the vine; it can grow to be productive, new, and beautiful once again.

This is true also about the cutting or hurtful aspects and experiences of life. Caregiving can often become very challenging and overwhelming. It can be discouraging and hurt us emotionally at times, as we see our loved ones deteriorate in their health. Just as we may wonder why it is necessary for a plant to be cut way back, it often is puzzling to understand why we have to undergo the painfully cutting experiences of life.

Yet during my very difficult caregiving years and during my grief since my husband’s death a little over 16 months ago I know the Lord has been shaping my character and drawing me closer to him. He is also cutting away attitudes and fears that are not appropriate and making me more dependent on Him. Like the roses and like a branch on a vine which has been cut back, I can grow into something beautiful and productive because of this pruning in my life.  Just as my roses needed plant food I also have to feed on God's Word, however, for this to take place in my life.

The branch on the vine cannot grow into something beautiful again, however, unless it is attached to the vine. So also I cannot grow into something beautiful unless I am attached to the Vine, the Lord Jesus. This is spoken of in John 15 in the Bible.

Dear Christian caregiver, the pruning that takes place in the difficult moments of caregiving and in life in general hurts. It is okay to acknowledge that it hurts. You are not alone, however, if you are attached to the Living Vine, Jesus Christ. You will be okay. Not only will you be okay, but you will flourish. Remind yourself of this when the dark moments sometimes come.