Past Grief Feelings Revisited

Even though others read this blog as well, this blog was set up some years ago to encourage family caregivers. Sadly, part of family care-giving sometimes involves the death of one’s loved ones for whom one is caring. Soon after my first husband’s death nine and a half years ago, I began attending a program called Grief Share. One of the things they suggested was to write a grief letter to family and friends. I did write such a letter via Facebook around six months after Wayne’s death.  I recently ran across that letter in my Facebook Memories.  The words for that letter are below.




July second it will be six months since Wayne’s (Dad’s) death. In some ways it seems like a lot longer than that, and in other ways it seems just like yesterday. These last six months have been far more difficult than I could have imagined. I am told I need to be patient. Grief processing takes months and sometimes years, but the pain will get better.

Grief is always with me. There are many joyful moments, but grief is still there just below the surface. There are also really sad moments where it is hard to pull out of the sadness. Emotions during grief are unpredictable and intense. Grief emotions can ambush at unexpected moments. It is a very difficult and tiring process to go through. Yet I know what I am experiencing is normal grief emotions.

I would so appreciate your continued prayers. Please know too that I do not need fixing. Only God can do that in His timetable. You do not need to say the right thing or even say anything. Your presence, hugs, phone calls, short notes, and listening ears is all I need. Sometimes I will want to talk about my feelings. Sometimes I would rather talk about other things. Sometimes I need a mixture of both. I always like to talk about Wayne (Dad).

I still cry nearly daily. Sometimes the tears ambush unexpectedly. Don’t be uncomfortable, if that happens in your presence. I do not apologize for the tears. They are not a sign of weakness or lack of faith. They are God’s gift to me of release, and they are actually a sign I am slowly recovering.

Please pray that God will use this time of grieving to grow me and quip me to minister to others with greater compassion than ever before. I will not just survive, but full joy will return. (Psalm 30:5b) That is God’s promise to me, and I claim it. If you have suffered a similar type loss, please feel free to share it with me. It will help me rather than make me feel worse.

Thank you for caring about me. Thank you to those who listen and pray. It is a gift to me for which I will always be thankful.



Then this is what I wrote two and a half years after losing my first husband, Wayne, to death and previously having been his caregiver four and a half years before his death.  I recently ran across this as well in my Facebook memories:  

Two and a half years today; four and a half years before that; years including fears, grief, overwhelming feelings and circumstances; depending on the Lord's strength; God's awesome grace; His leading when I didn't know what I was/am doing (Psalm 32:8); a closer and more precious relationship with the Lord than ever before; God's faithfulness; returning and new joy in the Lord in spite of waves of grief which though smaller still hit; greater empathy for others; new areas of service; the Lord being my heavenly bridegroom (Isaiah 54:5); a time for everything; everything beautiful in its time even when it has not always felt that way (Ecclesiastes 3).

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to trust in Jesus,

I've learned to trust in God;

Through it all, through it all,

I've learned to depend upon His Word.

Since that time I have continued to grow in my faith. God has used that time of caring for Wayne and his death in many ways for His glory and to help others. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know that I am remarried to my new husband, Bob.  Bob and I used the song, "Through It All" in our Wedding nearly a year ago.  Although life continues to have struggles, Bob and I are happy that we have each other in those struggles.  Sometimes it seems that our prayer list for others that we love is so very long, yet God is with them.  He is also with us, as we pray for them. Further, we know that the God who brought us through past struggles will continue to help us in the future and will eventually bring us to our eternal home. I pray the words I wrote only six months and later two and a half years after my first husband’s death will somehow help someone today.




(Next week I might post on Monday instead of Sunday, since it will be the one year anniversary of Bob's and my marriage.)

Something to Bless You Today

With all that is going on in our world we need the Lord and His Word to cheer us and encourage us.  Many of us are also experiencing difficult circumstances in our personal lives.   We also need the Lord and His Word to cheer and encourage us in those personal trials.

The beauties of spring and God's creation that are all around us can further help to uplift and cheer us.  I have been posting pictures on Facebook from time to time of flowers popping out on our yard.  I would like to feature some again today on this post.  May it be a blessing!  Remember creation's beauties are God's love gifts to you!

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day in the United States, so I am taking a bit of a break from my regular format.  I am thankful today for my Dad who showed an immense amount of patience and perseverance in his life.  He patiently endured the struggles that most farmers endure.  He always put his trust in the Lord during those moments.  I also saw his patience, perseverance, and trust in the Lord during those years of major health problems.  I still have a postcard that he sent me while he was in the hospital.  He wrote this that day, "I feel a little blue, but there is One Almighty above who loves and cares."  My Dad always read Scripture and prayed at the table as well.  His example helped me to persevere during some very difficult moments in my life like caring for my first husband, fighting breast cancer, and losing my husband to death.

Today I also am thankful for my first husband, Wayne, who was the father to my sons and now lives in Heaven.  His Godly example to his sons and his gentle and loving nature were wonderful examples to all who knew him.  He was a hard worker, and loved his family very much.  He also persevered until his death though some very difficult health problems.  In many ways he reminded me of my Dad.

Finally, I am thankful for Bob who became my husband a year ago this coming July.  He is a loving and concerned father to his daughters and also grandpa to his grandchildren.  He is very concerned about their welfare.  He also cares about my children and their welfare.  He further loves me.  He often reminds me of God''s blessings to us.

Today, dear reader, thank God for the blessing of Godly men in your life as well.

Life Lessons We Need to Learn

(This post is a chapter from my book, Dear Caregiver Reflections for Family Caregivers.  I published my book a little over six years ago after my first husband's death.)

When we are stripped of the things we are depending on outside of the Lord and when we are stripped of thinking we are strong in ourselves, we begin to trust and lean on the Lord instead. We begin to see how weak we really are without the Lord. In this place of desperate clinging to the Lord, our acknowledgment of our weakness makes room for the power of God in our lives. It also makes our love for God become more intense. Care-giving-with all of it's overwhelming challenges-and the years since my husband's death has taught me the lesson of how weak I am in myself and how desperately I need the Lord. It may have done the same for you, dear caregiver. That is actually a good place to be, for here you reach out for God's all powerful strength.

Fear and love for the Lord do not belong together, because love that flows from God and is perfected by God drives out and removes fears (I John 4:18). So often during my care-giving days for my husband I succumbed to fear about the future and sometimes even fear of what that day would bring. Yet the Lord commands us over and over in Scripture to not be afraid.

The Lord also holds us when we are overwhelmed by life's trials. He holds us and comforts us and loves us during those times. The Lord knows your care-giving sorrows, dear caregiver, and He loves and comforts you through the process. You know He loves you so much, because He sacrificed His very life for you on the cross. He has proven His love for you, dear caregiver.

In Scripture, the devil is portrayed as a roaring lion who wants to devour us. The devil knows when we are at our lowest and weakest and loves to try to prey on us in those moments. God's advice is to humble ourselves before Him and not be anxious, because He cares for us and will protect us. His advice is to also stand firm in our faith (I Peter 5:6-9a). It is so easy in the care-giving scenario to become discouraged. Yet the Lord has promised to be with us, if we turn to Him.

Dear caregiver, trust in the Lord's strength, not your own. When your recognize your own weakness and lean on the Lord's strength, you are strong. Do not fear, for the Lord is with you. Rest in His love. Also avail yourself of His comforting arms around you. Finally, be alert for the devil's attempts to discourage you. Turn to the Lord instead.


(If you would like to purchase a copy of my book for yourself or for someone you love, below is the link to the Amazon order page for my book: 
https://www.amazon.com/Dear-Caregiver-Sharon-Vander-Waal/dp/1629524263/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1482027543&sr=1-1&keywords=Dear+Caregiver 

You can also purchase my book at Barnes and Noble and elsewhere online or you can contact me directly at my e-mail address for specifics.  My e-mail is jesuschild54@hotmail.com )

What the World Needs Now

Corona virus, a police officer charged with murder in the death of a black man, violent looting and destruction of buildings and businesses, police officers injured and shot.  Does it ever seem as if all we hear on the news is tragedy and cause for weeping?  Coupled with that many people have heartaches of a personal nature.

What the world needs now is the peace of Jesus.  The world needs to experience hearts changed by the Lord. The world needs hearts bowing in repentance. The world desperately needs people experiencing a deep personal relationship with the Lord and devouring their Bibles.  They need to be reading God's Word  not just for guidance, answers, and a way to receive blessings but to grow in their love relationship with the Lord and to know Him more intimately.

Until each  of us recognizes our own need for repentance and for sins needing to be forgiven by the Lord, until we recognize our own dark hearts without the Lord; the world will not change.  Yet even in these dark times, there can be joy in our hearts, because for the children of God our sins have been forgiven.  We still falter and fail often, but even in overwhelming circumstances the Lord will be with us and guide us.  He will preserve us until out time on earth is completed, and He takes us to be with Him.   In the meantime, He also wants us to be a source of His light and peace in the world-one person at a time.  Let's pray for our world, and be that beacon and light and peace.

Here is a link to the song, "People Need the Lord"  sung by Steve Green.  May you find it a blessing:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nbxvc6eeXso

Choosing Gratitude

Gratitude is one of the most important attitudes that we should cultivate. When I was a family caregiver for my first husband, Wayne, it was difficult to be thankful in the chaos and drama of watching my husband's body deteriorate step by step.  Life became so very overwhelming at times. Life as a widow also involved moments of grief and challenge for me.  Although happily remarried, life continues to have struggles and challenges.  That is the nature of life on this earth.

One of the things that began to help me in this area, I learned as a caregiver for my first husband. The course of action that helped me was to write down a few things each day for which I was thankful. This simple practice did much to open my eyes to the little wonders and love gifts of God which were still in my life.  It is a practice I still carry on today.  I now often write down things for which I am thankful that day based on the promises I find in the Bible in my morning devotions.

I think gratitude has to go even further than writing down a few things for which I am thankful each day, however.  It has to be a heart attitude.  In the measure I  experience this heart attitude in spite of difficult circumstances, there will be joy and peace.

A few years ago I read a book by Nancy Leigh De Moss called Choosing Gratitude.  It is a book I would like to relocate and read again.  In one chapter she listed eight reasons for a grateful heart in spite of circumstances.  One reason is that gratitude is a matter of obedience.  It is commanded by God throughout His Word especially in the Psalms and the New Testament Epistles,  Gratitude also draws us closer to God.  When we long for a greater sense of God's nearness or life's stresses pile up, gratitude to the Lord is the gateway to the Lord's presence.

Gratitude is further the only sure path to peace.  Life difficulties can pile up and become overwhelming.  Prayer is a good avenue of release, but it must be accompanied with gratitude (Philippians 4:6-7.)  When gratitude combines with prayer and we open our eyes to God's blessings and mercies even in the midst of heartaches, peace follows.  When we thank God even when we can't understand what He is doing in our lives, there is peace.

Gratitude is also a gauge to our heart.  It is often easy to be thankful for the obvious blessings.  It is less easy to be thankful for the more difficult and hard to understand blessings.  If one is thankful in all things, it shows a heart which believes that God is always faithful and good and can be trusted. Giving thanks in all things is not acquired in a moment.  It is the result of many choices to be thankful even in difficult moments.

Gratitude is the will of God.  Choosing it is more important than choices we make about any other of life's decisions.  All other life decisions pale in comparison to choosing gratitude.  Gratitude is proof of being filled with the Holy Spirit.  It is evidence that we are yielding to His control. Gratitude further reflects Jesus' heart.  Even the night before Jesus was put on the cross He showed gratitude to the Heavenly Father in His prayers at the Last Supper.  He gratefully and willingly submitted to the Father's will in spite of the horrors of the cross just before Him.

Finally, gratitude prepares us for heaven.  Think of all the saints in heaven praising God before His throne.  My first husband is no longer suffering from his neurological disease, but he is praising God before His throne right now! So are other loved ones who have gone on before me.  I too can join in that praise by thanking and praising the Lord now.  Life is often difficult.  Yet in the measure we thank God in and even for the difficulties peace will follow.  Resolve with me to walk that path, dear reader.

God's Wonderful Plan A

God has laid on my heart a certain truth many times in the past few years.  Nancy Guthrie writes about this truth in her book, The One Year Book of Hope.    Nancy says, "God's plan for your life is unfolding, and nothing and nobody can hinder it---Whatever is happening in your life, you can welcome it as God's sovereign Plan A.  God carries out His own good purposes without mistakes or regrets, and His plan is never thwarted."

Nancy also says that Satan tries to scheme and destroy, and many things in this life are difficult and sometimes tragic.  God doesn't run behind Satan, however, frantically trying to clean up his messes.  God is not forced to go to Plan B.  Satan's schemes do not catch God off guard.

God, even in the tragedies and sad moments of life, always has a good plan for our lives.  He is always working for His glory and for our spiritual good.  It was God's Plan A that I was a caregiver for my first husband, Wayne.  It  was God's plan A that I became a widow.   God's plan A was in operation for my life in the years and events that have followed in both the times of joy and heartache.  It was God's Plan A for me, when I began a new chapter in my life with a man I love.  Bob and I were married in July of 2019.

God's Plan A is always in place for you as well, dear reader.  This is true in all the events of your life.  He is rejoicing with you in your joys and is always there to comfort you in your sorrows.  Let's then rejoice in our faithful King and Savior.