The Reality of God's Love for You

Seeing my husband gradually lose all his mobility and ability to care for himself due to his neurological disease was a very painful experience. During the course of my husband’s illness we did have a few opportunities for some memorable and enjoyable times, however. In spite of his lethargy at home my husband also seemed to enjoy these times.

In August of 2009 I wrote the following few paragraphs:
“Thursday through Sunday of last week my husband, Wayne, and I were at a motel in La Crosse, WI. My siblings and Mom from MN met us there. We were coming from the other end of WI, so it was a half-way meeting place for us. On Thursday afternoon and evening it was just Wayne and I, my Mom, and my two sisters. That was kind of nice as it provided some late night talk with my sisters and me.

Friday my bother and his wife and my two sisters’ husbands arrived. Among other things on Friday night after the others arrived we went out to eat, and then after supper they surprised me with a birthday cake and red roses for my birthday coming up on the following Monday. That was a wonderful surprise!

On Saturday we all went on a Mississippi River cruise. That was very nice, and it was wheelchair accessible. We even saw bald eagles on our cruise on the mighty Mississippi. The rest of our group went home around 5:30 on Sat. evening. Wayne and I went home the next morning. It was such a wonderful time being with my family. We did a lot of sharing and laughing. It was so good for both Wayne and me. It helps somewhat to forget about the problems for awhile and have some fun.

Wayne and I went to the local Pizza Ranch for my actual birthday on Monday. Also last night we went to my son’s family home for our usual Thursday night supper at their house. Two of my little granddaughters aged seven and five gave me a birthday present last night that they had picked out and bought with your own money from the dollar store. They were so excited to give them to me. They were pretty candles and book marks.

Our vacation and the birthdays surprises were a wonderful reprieve, but when one returns home reality sets in again with full force. There are so many issues with Wayne’s disease that make life a constant struggle. There are also blessings, however. Help me to concentrate on my blessings, Lord. Also grant me patience.”

Dear Caregiver, treasure the wonderful moments in the midst of the heartache and chaos of caregiving. Even after those treasured moments pass and you go back to the reality of the day to day of caregiving continue to look for the blessings. The realities of caregiving can be so harsh. There is another reality, however, dear Christian caregiver. That reality is the reality of God’s love for you.
　

Caregiving and Forgiveness?

One might ask oneself, “What connection is there between forgiveness and caregiving?" Forgiveness and struggling to forgive is always a part of any grief process or sense of loss in one’s life. Furthermore, there is a grief process that accompanies caregivng . This is especially true for those who are caregivers of someone with a long term and incurable illness. I know as I witnessed my husband’s health continue to decline step by step, I definitely went through a grief process.

Because Christ forgave us, we need to forgive others. Whom then might we need to forgive in the grief process that often accompanies caregiving? First of all, we need to accept God’s forgiveness of ourselves. As a caregiver although devoted to my husband and my marriage vows, I was less than perfect. I often felt impatient. I know there were times that I said and did things which showed this impatience and which was not up to God’s standard of love.

To not accept God’s forgiveness for these things would be a slap in the face of God, however. The obscure book of Micah in the Old Testament of the Bible tells us that God pardons and forgives our sins. In fact, He delights to show us His mercy; and He smashes our sins underfoot and throws those sins into the depths of the sea. (Micah 7:18-19) I also tended to put false guilt on myself at times for things that were out of my control. These too needed to be turned over to the Lord. I suspect this is true of most every caregiver at one time or another.

Secondly, we need to forgive others. Unless others are caregivers themselves they can not begin understand the heartaches and challenges of a caregiver. Hence, they may say trite and hurtful things. Also the people which one may think would be most likely to step up and help are often not there to assist.

It is okay and even necessary for a caregiver to ask people for help. How else are they going to know what one’s needs are? Some people will disappoint, however. Either they can not empathize, because they have not gone through the same caregiving experience, or they have issues and responsibilities of their own, or they do not feel emotionally equipped to get into the process of helping. As a caregiver, however, one has to let go and forgive. We are commanded to forgive, and a lack of forgiveness will only add to the emotional struggles which sometimes accompany caregiving.

Thirdly, it is also necessary at times for a caregiver to forgive one’s loved one for whom one is caring. No human being is perfect, and the caregiver’s loved one will not always show the love and gratitude to the caregiver that he or she might expect. As a caregiver I remember thinking that it would be nice to be thanked occasionally for all that I did for my husband. I do know my husband loved me, however, and we have to forgive and overlook these things. We need to forgive these things, because Christ has forgiven us. We also need to overlook these things for our own emotional health.

Finally, we need to be very careful that we do not blame God for our loved one’s ill health and for the trials of caregiving. We will never understand all the “whys,” but our best course of action is to trust our Lord God and to run to our Lord for strength and comfort.
　

Shifting of Roles

“It’s becoming difficult to remember what it felt like when he wrapped me in his arms, and I felt secure and wanted instead of motherly and needed.” Such was a recent comment made by Jennifer, a woman on an online caregiving site. Those words so echo the feelings I experienced as a caregiver for my husband. My husband’s neurological disease robbed him of so much. It also robbed our relationship of so much. When a relationship becomes a caregiver-care receiver relationship things change.

For awhile during the progression of his disease my husband, Wayne, enjoyed listening to audio books. One day almost three years into the progression of his disease Wayne was listening to an autobiography about a man who suffered through MS. My husband’s disease was a different and I would say a worse neurological disease, but there was much in the book with which my husband could identify.

While my husband was listening to this particular audio book on this particular day, I overheard a few comments made by the author of this book. The man was speaking about how much the disease had robed them of his and his wife’s relationship with one another. He said that their relationship had become more of a mother or caregiver to a child relationship than a wife to a husband relationship. I also felt the loneliness of that reality so often myself with my husband’s disease. That shifting of roles was so difficult sometimes. I loved my husband, but this was not how I had envisioned living our retirement years.

I look back now with pleasure to the many good years my husband and I had together. I thank God for the blessing of a husband who loved me, protected me, and was my life’s companion. His disease and subsequent death changed that. Life has a way of changing things. So is there anything in life we can count on not to change?

My Lord God never changes. Even though my husband could not be for me what he had been in the past, God was there for me. When I longed and still long to be wrapped in my husband’s arms my Lord wraps His arms around me. He is my source of security and joy.

Dear Christian Caregiver, sometimes the pain of caregiving can be so intense that it is difficult to feel God’s presence, peace, and joy. His presence is with us at all times, however, in spite of our feelings. Trust Him. Rest in Him. In the measure you do this you will begin to feel His presence above the noise of your pain. You will feel His arms wrapped around you in love. You will feel His strength.
　
　
　　

God's Great Love Story for You

If I were to write a book about the story of my life, I wonder what events in my life I would write about. Would I write about all the sad things that I have experienced in my life, or would I concentrate on the joys of my life? What about the caregiving chapter of my life? Would I concentrate on the discouragement and grief of seeing my husband continually decline in his health and eventually pass away, or would I concentrate on the blessings and joyful moments of my life even the midst of caregiving?

What about you dear Christian Caregiver? If you were to write an autobiography of your life what would the story of your life be like? My guess is that you would share many special and joyful moments, but I am equally convinced you would share moments of heartache and pain. No matter if you would be sharing joyful moments or sorrowful moments: however, as a child of God the chapters of your autobiography would reveal that your life’s story is a love story. Your life’s story is a story of God’s love for you. In fact, perhaps especially in the difficult moments of your life’s story God’s love for you would shine forth the brightest.

The pain and discouragements of some of life’s circumstances does not define who we are. God’s unfailing love for us in all circumstances shapes who we are now and who we are becoming by His grace. If no one else knows or loves us, God does. God’s love for us is everlasting. It never fails. (Jeremiah 3:13) God’s love for us is passionate and comforting. It is also a powerful and personal love. God actually says that He delights in us! (Zephaniah 3:17)

As we become more and more spiritually rooted in the knowledge and experience of God’s love, we begin to grasp the vastness and depth of His love. His love for us is so great we will never fully understand it completely, but in the measure that we do begin to understand the fullness of His love we will be filled with the fullness of God Himself in our lives. We will slowly begin to reflect Him more and more in our lives. Also we will begin to more and more see His workings, love, and guidance in our lives.

Your and my life’s stories with both their difficult moments and pleasant moments are beautiful stories of God’s love for us. We are also part of God’s story for the world around us. Even when we do not understand the tragedies of our lives God still loves us. We just have to trust and rest in His love for us. Dear Caregiver, as you face the heartaches, difficult decisions, and challenges of caregiving; never forget God’s love for you! You are part of God’s great love story for you!
　
　　
　
　

The Difficulties of Going Away

One of the difficulties of caregiving for my husband especially in the last couple of years of my husband’s life was leaving home and going away. On May 17, 2009 I journaled the following words:
“Yesterday at my husband’s suggestion we went out to eat. He so seldom wants to go anywhere let alone suggest it, so I readily agreed. It was very windy, however, and so we took the wheelchair. By the time I had wrestled the wheelchair in and out of the trunk of the car, gone through the buffet line for my husband and then for myself, and then basically carried on a conversation with myself during lunch; I began to wonder if it was worth it.”

Sometimes my husband, Wayne and I were able to go out to eat with some of my husband’s family at their suggestion. That was enjoyable especially on cold weather days, as it gave my husband and I a chance to get out of the house. There was a kind of loneliness in doing this also, however. Even though I knew they cared, nobody really understood fully what we were going through.

I missed being able to just jump into the car and easily go and do what we wanted to do. Now going out to eat with my husband’s siblings involved me helping my husband to the car with his walker and later his wheelchair and putting his walker or wheelchair in and out of the car wherever we went. Since we usually went to a buffet, it also involved me having to help my husband pick up his food. When I saw other couples both in good health I was happy for them. It did make me long for those days when that was true for us also, however. Further I was often frustrated that most of my in-laws let me struggle with going through the buffet line alone with my husband, Wayne.

Most Thursday nights we would go to our local son’s family’s home for supper and the evening. Often my mother-in-law and sister-in-law would be there also. My son was always so helpful getting my husband in and out of the car and into their house. First we did this with a walker, and we would help my husband up one step. Later we had to use a portable ramp and the wheel chair. My son was always helpful when he was with us, but so often I struggled alone when we left home to go places.

I always knew that there was a divine purpose for all that was happening in my husband’s and my lives. I knew all things would work for my ultimate good as a child of God. I knew I still had overflowing blessings in my life, but that did not stop the sadness in my heart at seeing my husband’s body deteriorate. It did not stop the sadness of me needing to take on more and more responsibilities that used to be my husband’s responsibilities in our marriage.

I certainly did not choose the caregiving role that God had assigned to me those years during my husband’s illness, but I do know that God was with me each step of the way. As difficult as it was, I would do it again. I had to cling very close to the Lord during those days, as I still need to do now. The Lord God had to give me the grace and strength for this role. He was with me in my unique struggles. He guided me, loved me, and forgave my many moments of impatience.

Dear Christian Caregiver, the Lord God is with you also. He knows your unique struggles and heartaches. Lean into His strength. Trust His love for you.
　

Storms

Nature’s storms can come in many forms. Some storms come completely unexpectedly. Some storms are predicted ahead of time by our local weather man. The storms of life can also come in many forms. Sometimes we know a storm of life is brewing on the horizon. Sometimes it comes unexpectedly. Either way we usually cannot choose our life’s circumstances. We do have a choice, however, in our responses to life’s storms.

I was not prepared for the “storm” of my husband’s diagnosis of a devastating neurological disease called multiple systems atrophy type c in 2006 followed by my own diagnosis of breast cancer in 2007. I am thankful to report that today I am a four year survivor of breast cancer. The same was not true for my husband, Wayne, however. For over four years I saw his continual decline downwards until his death in January of 2011.

In 2009 over two years after my husband’s diagnosis I wrote the following words:
“Caregiving like the weather always has its ups and downs. Some days feel stormy, and on those days I feel I can’t do it anymore. On other days life tends to take on a certain rhythm and pattern and is workable. Life always tends to be a mixture of joys and sorrows. I am joyful in my faith and in my relationship with my Lord. I am thankful that I know He is always with me. It is difficult living with the reality of my husband’s disease, however. I am happy that the struggles of life are making me stronger in my character, in my faith, and as a person. I struggle with the fact, however, that it sometimes has to be so emotionally exhausting, and I wonder why life has to be so difficult.”

One of the things the storms of the heartache and pains of caregiving taught me is that I could not and can not rely on my own strength. Hence, in the pain and losses of my life God was and is trying to teach me that I really am not in control of anything.

I think this is an especially hard lesson for a caregiver to learn. This is because caregivers are constantly “fighting” for the best health and well-being of their loved ones. This need to try to control and do it in our own strength has to be offered up to God on the altar of surrender, however; if we are going to be strong in the storms of life.

During caregiving and even now the Lord was and is also trying to teach me that concentrating on the pain and heartaches of the storms of life often can blind us to the rainbow of the Lord’s presence in our lives. We have to look for the wonders and workings of God in our lives. We have to look for His presence. Out of the heartache and brokenness He can make something beautiful in His perfect timing.

Dear Christian caregiver, the storms of caregiving and life in general can be very brutal and even devastating. Know that the Lord has the answers when you don’t. Know that He is with you each step of the way. Know that He is in control, and He is very present in your life and in the life of your loved one. Finally, know that He sees your stormy days, and is loving you through the storms of caregiving.
　

Look For the Blessings

As a caregiver I often found myself overwhelmed and discouraged with the challenges of caregiving. It was so easy to focus on the negative aspects of caregiving and forget about the blessings which still overflowed in my life. The Lord wanted me to first of all focus on Himself and not on the challenges. He also wanted me to recognize the many blessings which He daily gave me.

On February 6, 2009 I journaled the following words:
“It is so easy to feel sorry for myself when I think about what both my husband and I have gone through in these past few years, but I have so many blessings yet. I have a home, food, clothing, and the love of family and church people. Most of all I have my Savior who loves me.

In the Biblical parable of the prodigal son, the older son became jealous and angry when the father lavished gifts on his returning formerly wayward son. The father said to this older son in effect, ‘Why are you jealous?’ He went on to say ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.’ I have my God always with me even in the hard times, and every spiritual blessing God has He has given to me. Yes, life is very difficult sometimes, but this life is not all there is. Also my God provides joys and blessings even in this life. If I could only always keep focused on that beautiful truth.”

In the midst of caregiving someone on my online support group suggested writing down at least three things each day for which we were thankful. It is amazing what just such a simple exercise each day can do for one’s perspective. As a caregiver I needed to remember God’s past workings in my life, and I needed to look for and be thankful for His present blessings and workings in my life.

I definitely saw God’s working in my life during the caregiving years. During my caregiving days my husband’s mobility capabilities deteriorated to the point that by late 2010 I knew I could not continue to take care of him by myself. At that low point in time in my life my son was able to greatly step up and help. Soon after that I heard about a sit to stand device which we could also use with my husband, Wayne. I believe with all my heart that God was leading me step by step. Again I learned, however, that I had to look for the workings and blessings of God in my life. I also learned that an attitude of gratitude is essential.

On Feb 7, 2009 I journaled the following words:
“I wonder if difficult times in our lives sometimes makes us more appreciative of the little joys and blessings. Thank you, Lord, for daily blessings even the ones we do not always recognize.”

Dear Caregiver, when you become overwhelmed with the difficulties of caregiving focus on the Lord. Also look for His workings and blessings in your life. It will keep you encouraged to persevere in the challenges of being a caregiver.