As a caregiver have you ever asked the question “Why?” Why did my love one get this awful disease? Why are people older than him walking around seemingly healthy and carefree? Why does this disease have to rob us of the relationship we once enjoyed? Why was I as a caregiver assigned the often discouraging and always challenging task of caregiving?” I am sure as a caregiver I consciously or unconsciously asked these questions at one time or another. Seeing my husband deteriorate before my eyes during those caregiving years was very discouraging to me.
These are not easy questions to answer, however. We can give general answers to these questions, but the whys of the specifics of our lives sometimes is a mystery. We do know that we live in a broken world. The world was created perfect, but sin entered the world through Adam. Through Christ we as believers are forgiven and restored to a relationship with God. We still do temporarily live in a broken world, however. Hence, we are all called to do what we can do to bring compassion and healing to those who are hurting. Caregivers have a unique calling in this area, as they care for their loved ones who so desperately need their help.
So as said before we have some general answers to our “why?” questions, but we do not necessarily have specific answers to our set of circumstances. We do know God has a master plan, but we do not fully understand why He allows certain painful things in our lives. God never promised us a life free from heartache, however. To the contrary He said that there would be trouble, heartache, and challenges in this life. He also said that He will give us peace in the midst of it all. (John 16:33) We further know God uses the challenges to develop our characters and make us more like Himself.
Knowing these things helps, as we face the challenges and heartaches of caregiving. It does not answer all of our “why?” questions, however. Some of the answers to these questions will remain a mystery at least in this life. Some of these secret things we do not understand need to be left with God. (Deuteronomy 29:29) This is because God is so much above us that we do not have the capacity to understand God. He just wants us to trust Him.
Asking those “Why?” questions in our caregiving situations is normal. It also reminds us that we are human beings and that we are not ultimately in control. Sometimes caregivers have to fight so hard for the well-being of their loved ones that they may lose sight of the fact that they really are not in control of the situation. Everything ultimately belongs in the hands of God.
Perhaps a better question than the “Why?” question would be a question like “What can I learn through this, and how can I grow through this caregiving experience?” Another question might be “How can I bring glory to God through this whole caregiving experience?” Yet another question might be “How can I put one foot in front of the other and continue to persevere?”
Dear Caregiver, trust that God has the answers when you do not. He does not give us the answer to all of our questions. Instead He wants to give us Himself. We also need to trust that He has revealed enough of Himself, so we can live lives of purpose and obedience.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
Identity
Our identities are so often wrapped up with our various roles in life. Our identities, however, really should be a reflection of whom we are inside. Our identities should reflect our values, passions, likes and dislikes, and our tastes.
My husband, Wayne, and I were married for over 39 years. During that time I was his wife, lover, and best friend. I was also the mother to our three sons and later a mother-in-law and a Grandma.
During the last years of my husband’s life I also took on the role of my husband’s caregiver. As my husband’s caregiver I was often bombarded with questions like, “How’s Wayne?” I never knew how to answer that question. Outside of a miracle my husband was NOT going to get better but only worse. He was not going to get over his disease like the common cold. There was no treatment for his disease, and his symptoms were predicted to continue to deteriorate. So how was I to answer a question like “How is Wayne?” People knew this, and I still was asked that question. I also felt that I was more than my husband’s caregiver, and I didn’t constantly want to be identified only as Wayne’s caregiver.
As my husband’s wife and caregiver I grieved each step backwards that he took in his disease. It was a painful seeing the love of my love deteriorate before my eyes. The role of being his caregiver did become almost all consuming. Because of this it also almost become my identity. After my husband’s death on January 2, 2011 my new status become widow. I now have to work my way through the grief process and struggle to find a new purpose and role in life.
As we said before, however, our identities are not equal to our roles in life. Our identities should reflect our inner beings and passions. The roles we play in life should merely be a sort of vehicle for fleshing out our identities. Also as a Christian our true identities are really only found in our relationship with our Lord. That relationship will get us through the most difficult of challenges and trials.
Dear Caregiver, the caregiving role can be so consuming that you forget who you are as a person. In the midst of the overwhelming decisions and challenges of caregiving it is important that you do not lose sight of who you are as a unique individual. Most importantly do not lose sight, Christian caregiver, of your significant identity in Christ.
My husband, Wayne, and I were married for over 39 years. During that time I was his wife, lover, and best friend. I was also the mother to our three sons and later a mother-in-law and a Grandma.
During the last years of my husband’s life I also took on the role of my husband’s caregiver. As my husband’s caregiver I was often bombarded with questions like, “How’s Wayne?” I never knew how to answer that question. Outside of a miracle my husband was NOT going to get better but only worse. He was not going to get over his disease like the common cold. There was no treatment for his disease, and his symptoms were predicted to continue to deteriorate. So how was I to answer a question like “How is Wayne?” People knew this, and I still was asked that question. I also felt that I was more than my husband’s caregiver, and I didn’t constantly want to be identified only as Wayne’s caregiver.
As my husband’s wife and caregiver I grieved each step backwards that he took in his disease. It was a painful seeing the love of my love deteriorate before my eyes. The role of being his caregiver did become almost all consuming. Because of this it also almost become my identity. After my husband’s death on January 2, 2011 my new status become widow. I now have to work my way through the grief process and struggle to find a new purpose and role in life.
As we said before, however, our identities are not equal to our roles in life. Our identities should reflect our inner beings and passions. The roles we play in life should merely be a sort of vehicle for fleshing out our identities. Also as a Christian our true identities are really only found in our relationship with our Lord. That relationship will get us through the most difficult of challenges and trials.
Dear Caregiver, the caregiving role can be so consuming that you forget who you are as a person. In the midst of the overwhelming decisions and challenges of caregiving it is important that you do not lose sight of who you are as a unique individual. Most importantly do not lose sight, Christian caregiver, of your significant identity in Christ.
Monday, May 2, 2011
You Need to Take Care of Yourself
“You need to take care of yourself.” How many times have caregivers heard this? As a caregiver one may be tempted to think, “I am so busy attending to the needs of my loved one. How can I possibly find time for myself?”
However, as a caregiver for my husband with an ever deteriorating neurological disease; I found that it was essential to at least seek to take care of myself. This was not selfish. It was important for me to take care of myself so that I would not fold under the pressure and become ill myself, but it was also necessary for my husband’s well-being. I could be the best I could be in meeting my husband’s needs only if I was also taking care of myself.
Caregiving long term for a loved one who has a disease in which he continually moves backwards in his health is emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging. It is challenging for the person with the disease, but it also is challenging for that person’s caregiver. In many ways it is harder for the caregiver. Thus, it is important for the caregiver to attend to his or her own needs also.
A caregiver needs to attend to his or her emotional needs. If there is a face to face caregiver support group in one’s community that might be helpful. If a caregiver knows someone else who is a caregiver that also might be beneficial. By forming a relationship with that person a caregiver may have found someone in whom he or she can confide. As a caregiver I personally found a lot of emotional support through an internet online support group and through blogging. Through reading other caregiver’s blogs I was greatly helped and reassured that my feelings were normal and often very similar to other caregivers. Through the writing of my own blog posts I was able to crystallize my feelings. Just writing down those feelings helped me so much. Finally a caregiver needs to get out and do enjoyable things alone or with friends from time to time. If this means asking someone to come in and tend to the caregiver’s loved one’s needs, then that is what has to happen. Total isolation is never good for anyone’s emotional needs.
A caregiver also needs to attend to his or her physical needs. A caregiver has to protect his or her own needs in order to be able to attend to the needs of their loved one who requires their constant care. One way one can do that is through exercise whenever possible. Exercise is a great stress reliever, and it can help to prevent a lot of diseases.
I journaled the following on March 6, 2009 when I was right in the middle of my caregiving days:
“Yesterday and today were beautiful days outside at least for WI. So I took advantage of the nice weather and took a walk both days. It is amazing how just taking a half hour walk can lift one’s spirits in this caregiving experience.”
Further, a caregiver needs to attend to his or her spiritual needs. It is so important to develop a intimate spiritual relationship with the Lord. It is also important to stay deep in His Word, the Bible, and to constantly pray for the Lord‘s guidance and strength. Without my relationship with the Lord and His wonderful promises in His Word I think I would not have been able to hold up under the stresses of caregiving.
Finally, a caregiver must be willing to ask for help. A caregiver must ask for help from God but also sometimes from others. As a caregiver I did not want to ask for help. Also sometimes I did not know what kind of help others could give me. In the end, however, I realized that I absolutely could not do it alone. I had a C.N.A. lady come in two to three nights a week at bedtime, and at the very end my son was able to greatly step up and help also. In this way I was able to keep my husband out of the nursing home. In other cases a nursing home may be the only and best option. Either way a caregiver must have the courage and humility to accept and even pursue help as needed.
Take care of yourself in every way you can, dear caregiver. It is good advice. On January 10, 2009 I journaled the following: “I must take better care of myself; if I want to be any good as a caregiver to my husband. Most importantly I must continue my devotions and seek to draw ever closer to my Lord. I also must try to take better care of my body. This will relieve a lot of stress and fatigue. Lord, give me the strength to make some consistent changes.”
However, as a caregiver for my husband with an ever deteriorating neurological disease; I found that it was essential to at least seek to take care of myself. This was not selfish. It was important for me to take care of myself so that I would not fold under the pressure and become ill myself, but it was also necessary for my husband’s well-being. I could be the best I could be in meeting my husband’s needs only if I was also taking care of myself.
Caregiving long term for a loved one who has a disease in which he continually moves backwards in his health is emotionally, physically, and spiritually challenging. It is challenging for the person with the disease, but it also is challenging for that person’s caregiver. In many ways it is harder for the caregiver. Thus, it is important for the caregiver to attend to his or her own needs also.
A caregiver needs to attend to his or her emotional needs. If there is a face to face caregiver support group in one’s community that might be helpful. If a caregiver knows someone else who is a caregiver that also might be beneficial. By forming a relationship with that person a caregiver may have found someone in whom he or she can confide. As a caregiver I personally found a lot of emotional support through an internet online support group and through blogging. Through reading other caregiver’s blogs I was greatly helped and reassured that my feelings were normal and often very similar to other caregivers. Through the writing of my own blog posts I was able to crystallize my feelings. Just writing down those feelings helped me so much. Finally a caregiver needs to get out and do enjoyable things alone or with friends from time to time. If this means asking someone to come in and tend to the caregiver’s loved one’s needs, then that is what has to happen. Total isolation is never good for anyone’s emotional needs.
A caregiver also needs to attend to his or her physical needs. A caregiver has to protect his or her own needs in order to be able to attend to the needs of their loved one who requires their constant care. One way one can do that is through exercise whenever possible. Exercise is a great stress reliever, and it can help to prevent a lot of diseases.
I journaled the following on March 6, 2009 when I was right in the middle of my caregiving days:
“Yesterday and today were beautiful days outside at least for WI. So I took advantage of the nice weather and took a walk both days. It is amazing how just taking a half hour walk can lift one’s spirits in this caregiving experience.”
Further, a caregiver needs to attend to his or her spiritual needs. It is so important to develop a intimate spiritual relationship with the Lord. It is also important to stay deep in His Word, the Bible, and to constantly pray for the Lord‘s guidance and strength. Without my relationship with the Lord and His wonderful promises in His Word I think I would not have been able to hold up under the stresses of caregiving.
Finally, a caregiver must be willing to ask for help. A caregiver must ask for help from God but also sometimes from others. As a caregiver I did not want to ask for help. Also sometimes I did not know what kind of help others could give me. In the end, however, I realized that I absolutely could not do it alone. I had a C.N.A. lady come in two to three nights a week at bedtime, and at the very end my son was able to greatly step up and help also. In this way I was able to keep my husband out of the nursing home. In other cases a nursing home may be the only and best option. Either way a caregiver must have the courage and humility to accept and even pursue help as needed.
Take care of yourself in every way you can, dear caregiver. It is good advice. On January 10, 2009 I journaled the following: “I must take better care of myself; if I want to be any good as a caregiver to my husband. Most importantly I must continue my devotions and seek to draw ever closer to my Lord. I also must try to take better care of my body. This will relieve a lot of stress and fatigue. Lord, give me the strength to make some consistent changes.”
Monday, April 25, 2011
Purpose Now and for the Future
Caregiving is a purpose filled calling. It may not be recognized as such by the world at large, however. Caregivers will not usually earn medals or receive honors for what they do day in and day out. Caregiving work does not facilitate the earning of great amounts of money either. In fact just the opposite is most often true. Caregiving for a family member can be discouraging and involves sacrificial giving of one self to the person who needs one’s help. It is, however, one of the most significant and purpose filled callings God can give us.
Caregiving often involves a lot of heartache and grief, as we see our loved ones continue to move backwards in their health. In spite of this the caregiver is engaging in God’s work. Not only is caregiving filled with purpose while the caregiver is in the midst of the responsibilities of caregiving, however, but this phase of the caregiver’s life is also a preparation for what God has planned for his or her post caregiving days. It has been said that God cannot use someone in a significant way until that person has suffered some deep loss, hurt, or pain. The losses and grief caregivers experience as they see their loved one’s health deteriorate will help them to be more compassionate servants of God in future days.
Dear Christian caregiver, the challenges of caregiving are shaping your character to become a more beautiful reflection of Jesus. Think of the Bible characters like Job, Paul, and others. Through their losses and grief they became more dependent on the Lord and more useable in His kingdom. Because of your sacrifices in caregiving and because of the pain you feel while caring for a loved one who cannot recover; you are being prepared to also be used in significant ways when your caregiving days end.
Caregiving often involves a lot of heartache and grief, as we see our loved ones continue to move backwards in their health. In spite of this the caregiver is engaging in God’s work. Not only is caregiving filled with purpose while the caregiver is in the midst of the responsibilities of caregiving, however, but this phase of the caregiver’s life is also a preparation for what God has planned for his or her post caregiving days. It has been said that God cannot use someone in a significant way until that person has suffered some deep loss, hurt, or pain. The losses and grief caregivers experience as they see their loved one’s health deteriorate will help them to be more compassionate servants of God in future days.
Dear Christian caregiver, the challenges of caregiving are shaping your character to become a more beautiful reflection of Jesus. Think of the Bible characters like Job, Paul, and others. Through their losses and grief they became more dependent on the Lord and more useable in His kingdom. Because of your sacrifices in caregiving and because of the pain you feel while caring for a loved one who cannot recover; you are being prepared to also be used in significant ways when your caregiving days end.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Affirmations of Love
Being a caregiver for my husband for over four and a half years was a significant calling that the Lord God placed on my life. It purposes in both my life and in my husband’s life were far reaching, and they taught valuable spiritual lessons.
Those days were also laden with challenges, however. My husband’s continual decline downward in his health robbed us of so much. They robbed us of the relationship we had experienced together in the past. Later in my husband’s disease I missed the easy verbal exchanges we had had in the past. Also in the past my husband had always been so free with his expressions of his love. I would often long for those days.
I journaled the following comments on May 17, 2009:
“Before my husband’s illness he would tell me I was beautiful, and he would often call me ‘his favorite wife.’ It became a standing source of teasing between us, because my reply would always be, 'How many wives do you have?' My husband was always good about giving loving cards on special occasions also. So much of that verbal affirmation is gone now. My husband’s speech is so poor that basic communication between us is difficult. I miss also the basic bouncing of ideas between us.”
I knew that my husband still loved me in spite of him not expressing it in the same way, as he had in the past. More importantly, I knew God loved me with an eternal love. I knew that God also affirmed that love over and over again in the Bible. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Zephaniah 3:17. In that verse God told me and continues to tell me that He loves me and even delights in me! He actually rejoices over me, and He quiets me with His love. Furthermore He, the mighty God, always will be with me.
Knowing that God loved me and even delighted in me was a source of comfort to me during my caregiving days. God’s affirming love for me comforted me even more than knowing that my caregiving role had a purpose and meaning.
Dear caregiver, if you are God’s child trust that the Lord loves you with an awesome and eternal love. When the discouragement and negative feelings surface may you rest in God’s love and find your treasure in Him!
Those days were also laden with challenges, however. My husband’s continual decline downward in his health robbed us of so much. They robbed us of the relationship we had experienced together in the past. Later in my husband’s disease I missed the easy verbal exchanges we had had in the past. Also in the past my husband had always been so free with his expressions of his love. I would often long for those days.
I journaled the following comments on May 17, 2009:
“Before my husband’s illness he would tell me I was beautiful, and he would often call me ‘his favorite wife.’ It became a standing source of teasing between us, because my reply would always be, 'How many wives do you have?' My husband was always good about giving loving cards on special occasions also. So much of that verbal affirmation is gone now. My husband’s speech is so poor that basic communication between us is difficult. I miss also the basic bouncing of ideas between us.”
I knew that my husband still loved me in spite of him not expressing it in the same way, as he had in the past. More importantly, I knew God loved me with an eternal love. I knew that God also affirmed that love over and over again in the Bible. One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Zephaniah 3:17. In that verse God told me and continues to tell me that He loves me and even delights in me! He actually rejoices over me, and He quiets me with His love. Furthermore He, the mighty God, always will be with me.
Knowing that God loved me and even delighted in me was a source of comfort to me during my caregiving days. God’s affirming love for me comforted me even more than knowing that my caregiving role had a purpose and meaning.
Dear caregiver, if you are God’s child trust that the Lord loves you with an awesome and eternal love. When the discouragement and negative feelings surface may you rest in God’s love and find your treasure in Him!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Hope
The last couple days have been beautiful in my town. It has finally begun to feel like spring. The temperatures are suppose to drastically drop again later in this week, however. Even though it has been a cold spring this year and spring has been long in coming, spring reminds me of new life and hope. The appearance of robins several weeks back was an indication that spring was on its way. The promise of spring reminds me that just as winter is finally fleeing, so the heartaches of life are not forever.
Caregiving for a loved one with a prolonged disease can be very discouraging. Witnessing the gradual but ever increasing deterioration of one’s loved one’s health is extremely disheartening. It can feel like the winter of life with no end in sight and no sign of hope for the future.
As a caregiver for my husband with a serious neurological disease I often felt discouraged. As his mobility and a host of other issues continued to decline, I sometimes felt overwhelmed and stressed. This became especially true when transfers became more and more difficult. As a Christian caregiver and child of God, however, I knew that there was always hope. I knew that my hope was an eternal hope. As I was going through the caregiving journey hope and my relationship with my Lord was what kept me going and persevering.
So what is hope? While I was a caregiver I wrote the following words about hope: “Hope reminds me that I do not really have to be in a state of panic. Things will work out in the end, and I will be guided step by step. Hope tells me that caregiving will never be easy, but there is an eternal purpose to this all. God’s purpose will be fulfilled in me, and His love is with me. Hope tells me that what I do in caregiving is important, and it has eternal consequences. Hope tells me that the trials of caregiving are forming my character to become stronger. It reminds me to not focus on what I see but on what will be and on what is good in my life right now. Hope focuses on seeing the small miracles of each day and knowing and trusting they will continue.”
Hope is a great ally to have in facing caregivng challenges and in facing the challenges of life in general. Hope helps to promote wellness and joy and peace in the midst of the challenges. Dear caregiver, do not give up hope. Embrace hope in the same way as you embrace the hope and newness of spring.
Caregiving for a loved one with a prolonged disease can be very discouraging. Witnessing the gradual but ever increasing deterioration of one’s loved one’s health is extremely disheartening. It can feel like the winter of life with no end in sight and no sign of hope for the future.
As a caregiver for my husband with a serious neurological disease I often felt discouraged. As his mobility and a host of other issues continued to decline, I sometimes felt overwhelmed and stressed. This became especially true when transfers became more and more difficult. As a Christian caregiver and child of God, however, I knew that there was always hope. I knew that my hope was an eternal hope. As I was going through the caregiving journey hope and my relationship with my Lord was what kept me going and persevering.
So what is hope? While I was a caregiver I wrote the following words about hope: “Hope reminds me that I do not really have to be in a state of panic. Things will work out in the end, and I will be guided step by step. Hope tells me that caregiving will never be easy, but there is an eternal purpose to this all. God’s purpose will be fulfilled in me, and His love is with me. Hope tells me that what I do in caregiving is important, and it has eternal consequences. Hope tells me that the trials of caregiving are forming my character to become stronger. It reminds me to not focus on what I see but on what will be and on what is good in my life right now. Hope focuses on seeing the small miracles of each day and knowing and trusting they will continue.”
Hope is a great ally to have in facing caregivng challenges and in facing the challenges of life in general. Hope helps to promote wellness and joy and peace in the midst of the challenges. Dear caregiver, do not give up hope. Embrace hope in the same way as you embrace the hope and newness of spring.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Divine Purpose
I am the kind of person who likes to organize and plan for events in my life. I like to know where I am going and plan for all possible scenarios. I also don’t like a lot of changes. As a caregiver for my husband for four and one half years I was not allowed that luxury. There was continual changes in my husband’s health, and most of these changes were downward.
These downward changes in my husband’s condition were very discouraging to me. How I longed for things to be “normal” in our household. From the beginning, however, I sensed that there was divine purpose in all we were experiencing. I sensed that I had spiritual lessons to learn through the caregiving experience.
For one thing my experiences as a caregiver for my husband revealed to me things that were not right about me yet. They revealed my tendency to be impatient and to worry about the future. The difficulties of caregiving tended to draw me closer to God and thus made me more aware of these imperfections and sins in my character. This more profound awareness of these things in my life and God revealing these things to me actually were a method God was using to show His love to me as His child. God was trying to develop more Godly character in me.
My caregiving experiences were difficult and heartbreaking, but they were not without purpose. Besides helping me realize things that needed refining and correcting in my character they made me draw closer to God. They also made me realize I needed to rely on Him entirely, if I wanted to be strong to do the things I needed to do as my husband’s caregiver. Self-reliance and thinking I could do it myself had to go out the window. There had to be a total surrender to God. I certainly did not come close to totally doing all this perfectly, but I certainly was made aware of these things.
There was also purpose for my husband, as his body declined in its ability to function as it should. I can not speak for him as to the exact spiritual lessons he learned. However, my husband taught me one important thing through his example. He never said, “Why me?’ throughout his whole experience. That in itself was part of his purpose trapped as he was in his body especially the last months and years of his life.
Dear caregiver, believe there is purpose for the difficulties you are experiencing as a caregiver. Search for these purposes and lessons. Also believe with all your heart that your loved one for whom you are providing care has a wonderful purpose for being on this earth.
These downward changes in my husband’s condition were very discouraging to me. How I longed for things to be “normal” in our household. From the beginning, however, I sensed that there was divine purpose in all we were experiencing. I sensed that I had spiritual lessons to learn through the caregiving experience.
For one thing my experiences as a caregiver for my husband revealed to me things that were not right about me yet. They revealed my tendency to be impatient and to worry about the future. The difficulties of caregiving tended to draw me closer to God and thus made me more aware of these imperfections and sins in my character. This more profound awareness of these things in my life and God revealing these things to me actually were a method God was using to show His love to me as His child. God was trying to develop more Godly character in me.
My caregiving experiences were difficult and heartbreaking, but they were not without purpose. Besides helping me realize things that needed refining and correcting in my character they made me draw closer to God. They also made me realize I needed to rely on Him entirely, if I wanted to be strong to do the things I needed to do as my husband’s caregiver. Self-reliance and thinking I could do it myself had to go out the window. There had to be a total surrender to God. I certainly did not come close to totally doing all this perfectly, but I certainly was made aware of these things.
There was also purpose for my husband, as his body declined in its ability to function as it should. I can not speak for him as to the exact spiritual lessons he learned. However, my husband taught me one important thing through his example. He never said, “Why me?’ throughout his whole experience. That in itself was part of his purpose trapped as he was in his body especially the last months and years of his life.
Dear caregiver, believe there is purpose for the difficulties you are experiencing as a caregiver. Search for these purposes and lessons. Also believe with all your heart that your loved one for whom you are providing care has a wonderful purpose for being on this earth.
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